Monkeys VS Magic: Fanfiction of Harry Potter and Planet of the Apes
by Kangaroo25
Summary: Chapter One: What the Bloody Hell? This story is a parody of the horrible fanfiction My Immortal, which is a fanfiction of Harry Potter. Then I decided to throw in Planet of the Apes. Enjoy. 2nd chapter will be up sometime next week.
1. Chapter 1

Monkeys Versus Magic

Chapter one: What the bloody hell?

Once upon a time, Harry Pothead decided to skip class to smoke some weed. He was going to smoke with Hermoine in the abandoned parking lot across the street from the zoo. He went over there and saw an emo looking girl wearing slutty clothes. _What the bloody hell? Where is Hermoine? _He asked himself.

"HEEIIII mai name is Eboby. I am so depressed and MCR as mai favorit band."

"I'm sorry do you have a speech impediment?"

"WUT DA HELL ARE U SAYINGG YOU FUCKING BASTARD?!"

She jumped up in the air and started floating (because she's a Mary Sue and can do anything), and took out a GUN and tried to shoot Harry. "I knew Draco was a better fuck buddy than YOU!"

"Expeliomos!" Harry took out his wand and then Eboby's gun flew out of her hand.

"You mother fucker! I'll nevar go to a GC concert with you agan!"

"Oh yeah, well if you ever see me again, I will shove my wand so far up your ass, you will be gagging and bringing up BILE! PURE FUCKING BILE YOU CRAZY DISGRACE TO J.K ROWLING! GAAAAAAHHHHH!111!1!1!"

Eboby *her actual name is Ebony, she can't even pronounce her own name* got so scared, she flew away crying like a whiny little emo bitch. And Harry was happy because Hermoine showed up shortly therafter.

"Where were you Hermoine?" He asked. "That stupid Ebony girl showed up again, and I've had enough of her. she makes all of Hogwarts look bad."

"I know right?" She replied. "She makes up lies and says that she slept with you and Malfloy, but she was actually coming on to the teachers, and then calling them pedofiles. She almost had Snape fired before she got suspended." Hermoine pulled out a joint. She held her wand up to the doobie and said "Four- ehtus, twenty - us." A small flame emerged from the tip of the wand and then she lit it up. After taking a puff, she handed it to Harry.

"She is a disgrace to the human race." Harry muttered under his breath. He stared at Hermoine, and instantly, the annoyance of Ebony's presence had vanished. He was around a wonderful person now.

So they both had a good smoke together and watched the clouds slowly drifting in the sky. They spent a while finding images in the clouds and lost track of time.

The bell from the Hogwarts school rang. They had skipped one class and there was still one more class to go. Harry didn't want to go back because he really liked Hermoine. He had no idea if they would get together or not, but he considered her a true friend. And not many other people in Hogwarts smoke pot. Most of them are interested in hallucinogens, such as LSD, mushrooms, and DMT, because it reminds them of the trippy shit that comes out of their wands when they use magic.

Anyways, Harry Pothead and Hermoine were extremely baked. "Harry..." She said, beginning to laugh. "I can't go back to class, I'm too stoned."

"Me too, hahahaha. Our next class is with Dumbledore, and he freaks the fuck out when he knows a student has been smoking."

Hermoine laughed louder and sat down on the concrete of the parking lot, leaning her back against the wall. "One time Dumbledore said something like..like heheheh,, 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU DUMB MOTHER FUCKERS? YOU'RE DOING THE SPELLS WRONG. WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN SMOKING?!"

Harry laughed so hard he had to hack a loogie. "Ok, so we'll skip this class. If we get in trouble, I'll say that I went outside because I had to vomit, and you were my partner in my class and you left classes to find me. And it took a while because the vomit was projectile."

"Sounds like a good excuse to me." Hermoine said. "So what do you want to do? It's fun to do stuff when you're high."

"Let's go to the zoo." Harry suggested. "I haven't been there in a long time."

"Neither have I. Let's go."

So they walked to the zoo across the street, high as kites. They walked around for what seemed like hours but it was only a few minutes. And then they saw the monkey cage.

"Hey look, Harry. That monkey is jumping around. It looks either angry or excited...I can't quite tell."

Harry turned his view to the cage and saw the primate jumping around the whole zone. The other monkeys had climbed the trees surrounding the inside of the cage. They seemed afraid of that monkey.

They both inched closer to the cage to get a better look. The monkey was cornering the zoo keeper to the wall, and scratched his arm whenever he jumped in the air. He was beginning to get vicious.

"harry, we must do something! but...I can't recall the spell I was gonna do..."

"EXPELIOMOS!" Shouted Harry, pointing the wand. The monkey flew away from the zookeeper and hit the ground on the other side of the cage. People around the scene were freaking out and pissing themselves and going home over this.

Even after the blow, the monkey still got up and started attacking the zoo keeper, hardcore. Somehow the monkey had a GUN, perhaps he snuck out and stole it from one of the security guards. He held it to the zookeepers face and let out a high pitched screech.

"OK OK, I'll let you go!" He opened the cage and let the monkey free. He or she ran out from the zoo and was gone pretty quick. The manager came out and fired the guy on the spot. Harry and Hermoine were too stoned to believe any of this had happened.

"This is going to be on the news, so we need to get out of here now! Dumbledore will watch it in the morning and he will know we skipped! I know this because he said he watches the news before he watches Sex in the City."

"What the bloody hell? Why did Dumbledore share with you that information?"

"I have no idea but it doesn't matter, let's get out of here."

So they ran back to the school and opened the doors. And then standing there it was...SNAPE.

"Where were you two during Dumbledore's lesson?"

Harry and Hermoine hoped that their eyes didn't look red because Snape was already giving them a weird look. "Um.." Hermoine began. "Harry didn't feel well during class, and ran outside. I was worried about him so I left to try to find him. He was projectile vomiting, and I waited until he was done to take him to the nurse for some medicine."

"Oh really now..." His face was stern and he seemed unconvinced. "Are you sure you haven't been smoking that green stuff?"

"Snape you know I have seasonal allergies." She sniffled.

"That's what you said last time you two skipped class. But I have no proof to show that your story is a lie, so until I do, you're off the hook. If I find out, you guys will be locked in the school basement listening to Michael Jackson on repeat."

"FOR HOW LONG?" Harry looked scared.

"However long it takes for me to find out you lied. For example, if 5 days go by and I happen to find out you had lied, you will be stuck there for 5 days. I will force you to listen to my favorite music."


	2. Chapter 2: Ebony Strikes Back

Chapter Two

Eboby Strikes Back

Harry Pothead and Hermoine were both freaked out. If Snape found out they skipped class and smoked weed, they would be fucked. Not literally, or at least they hoped not.

They had missed the entire class but they arrived to dinner on time. So they sat at a table and started eating the food that had magically appeared in front of them. It was pizza and salad. They didn't talk to anyone while at the table, because they were thinking about what Snape had said in the back of their minds. Harry also couldn't stop staring at Hermoine when she wasn't looking at him.

"What do you want to do after dinner, Harry?" Hermoine asked. Harry was surprised, because usually it was him who would initiate a time for them to hang out. He felt special.

"I don't know. Let's hang out in the forbidden forest and have some booze. I recently learned a spell on how to make booze of all kinds appear."

"I wish I knew that spell. Want to invite Ron?"

"I'll be honest, Ron is kind of a buzz kill. But he is also a ginger and probably feels shitty for having no soul. So let's have him come with us."

It was settled. They found Ron in the dining hall and invited him to tag along. "Do we have to do this right now? I'm so constipated and I feel like I'm manstrating. I think I'm about to cry."

"Oh come on, it will be fun."

"Ok fine. I'll take a break from being a whiny bitch. Let's do this."

So they all flew on their broomsticks to the Forbidden Forest. "Malticus - hopticus!" Harry said while making a pattern in the air with his wand. Suddenly, there were three 6-packs of Sierra Nevada, a bottle of Jack Daniels, and a bottle of red wine.

"Oh geez, Harry, I can't get this fucked up. I'm even more whiny when I'm drunk." Whined Ron.

"Dude just calm down. Drink as much as you want, you don't have to have it all. We'll have leftovers."

So they proceded to drink booze and smoke joints and talk about random shit. Before they had a chance to catch a strong buzz, a shadow was lingering in the distance and was quickly nearing them.

"Oh no." Ron whispered. "What if it's Dumbledore?"

"It can't be." Muttered Harry.

And out from the darkness it was...Ebony! This time she didn't have a GUN, but she had a dildo.

"Harry will u hav fun wit mee?" She said stupidly, shivering in the cold while wearing an extremely slutty outfit. Thank god for no outfit description "Draco killed himself again and this time I can't bring him back to life. I'm so lonely and depressed. Please put your thingy in my-you-know-what. I will pay you."

Hermoine had a look of rage on her face. She stood up and started charging for Ebony, throwing herself against her. Hermoine was sitting on top of her (not sexually) and proceded to slap her in the face. "You know that Harry doesn't like you! Go fuck yourself with that dildo, maybe that will bring Draco back to life."

"WHAAAAT?! OMFG ARE U SERIOS?! WILL IT WORK?!" Ebony had an amazed look on her face. She didn't care that she was getting slapped anymore because she was gullible and simple minded enough to believe Hermoine was being literal.

Hermoine kept a blank face and looked her straight in the eye. There was no doubt that a girl who can't pronounce her own name would fall for this lie, especially when she has made up delusions of being fuck buddies with Harry and Draco.

"Yes. There is a spell for bringing men back to life by means of self stimulation. You must use a dildo and think of him. And you have to wave your wand side to side while saying 'Cumin-us, myface-us' repeatedly. The spell has been successful for some people, but no one knows how many times they have to do it before it will work. Some people only had to do it once. Others...well, it took them months. The more passionately and more often you do it, the quicker it is supposed to work."

"OMG I gotta try that liek, rite NEEOOWWW! Thank you! Fuck you Harry! I'm going home to mastabate while listening to Linkin Park!"

So Hermoine got off of Ebony and let her stand. She instantly ran off without saying a word.

When she was gone, Harry looked at Hermoine, in awe of her cleverness. He was also flattered at how passionately Hermoine had stood up for him. Perhaps she had feelings for him too? If only he knew, and if only he wasn't nervous to talk with her about it.

"Wow, that got rid of her very quick." He spoke, finally. "That was a brilliant idea. Now she will be too busy trying to ressurect Draco to bother us. Maybe now she'll be out of our hair."

"We can only hope so." She responded. "We have done so many things to lure her away, but to no avail. She has a lot of growing up to do, and a lot of english classes to retake."

In the midst of the situation, Ron was curled up in a ball, rocking back and forth, muttering over and over again "She's scary. She's a slut. I want to go home."

"Ron, it's ok. She's gone. Let's go back to what we were doing. Forget her. One of these days, she'll leave us alone."

Ron stood up and got on his broomstick. "I'm cold and tired. I'm going back. Bye."

Harry and Hermoine rolled their eyes and sat down on the soft grass in response to Ron's departure. They were kind of used to him flaking out whenever something unfavorable happened. It must be hard having no soul.


End file.
